Mother, a word that is not just a role but an emotion for me. An emotion that went through multiple roller coaster rides during this journey of life. From accepting my aunt to be my mom as a toddler and planting my entire life in her garden, to grappling with the truth of having lost my mother, as a child. From surrendering myself to my step mother in search of that acceptance from her, to bowing myself to my mother in law, hoping to find the same motherly affection.
Yet, the feeling of becoming a mother myself was probably the most overwhelming one ever. Since that beautiful winter night when I first heard you cry, every effort of my life has been to keep your tears at bay.
Call it fate, destiny or opportunity. Since the very first day, despite being with your father, I lived the life of a single mother, and a blessing it has been. Witnessing every single progress you have made, your first turn, your first step, your first word. Having the chance to celebrate every birthday of yours, and wipe painful tears of yours. Those solo visits to the doctor, and to the parks, and to every place I could practically take you.
Our struggles have been intertwined my boy. I know what you must have felt when i first left you in a creche at a tender age of 2.5 years, or at the pre-school at 3.5 years. You will never comprehend what limitations I had and what I went through doing that. The biggest regret I have ever had and will ever have is leaving my little 1st std. boy in a boarding in Ooty. As I walked away leaving the crying and wailing you behind me, a part of me died inside me. That fateful day of June was the worst day ever of my life and will always stay so.
Yes I missed dropping and picking you up from school or bus stop. I couldn't spend enough time tutoring you. Yes, I hardly played any board games with you or cooked delicacies for you. There were times I even missed your Parent teacher meetings, and was late on paying your fees too. Yet, I have always tried to do whatever I humanly could.
My struggles, have never been mine alone. Every step I took, impacted you in some way. And you have always gracefully, bravely and boldly stood by me, walked with me and even been my support. Knowing how to handle me during an asthma attack at the age of 2, or how to stay safely alone at home from the age of 6. Managing the entire household as an 8 year old or making my favorite cup of tea since the age of 10. You my boy, have lived it all throughout with me, step by step, hand in hand.
Yes your teenage years have been tough, for both of us. As much as you were exploring your new phase, so was I as a teenager's mom. We both have lost our cool, been impatient and had fights and cold wars. Yet we both know we cannot live without each other.
As you step into adulthood, I write this today to let you know. That you will ALWAYS remain my sunshine, my lifeline. That whatever you choose to do in life, whichever path you walk, you will always have my support. That you have the freedom to walk your path, choose your journey and not get burdened by my responsibility. And that if and when you turn around, you will always find me smiling back at you with love and open arms, either in this world, or another.
My son, you have brought the mother in me alive. I have learnt to love, to be compassionate, to care and be kind by being your mother. No you are not a perfect son and neither am I a perfect mother. But who wants perfection? I would rather have an imperfectly beautiful and messy relationship that is natural than a rigid and plastic perfect one.
On this mother 's day, I write this to let you know, before I forget, or its too late, that YOU made the Mother in me. And for that one reason alone, you shall always, always remain my most special boy.
Love you my sunshine. My lifeline you shall remain..
