Comparison kills Creative Freedom

As a society, we grow with constant comparison both within and outside our homes. Anything that we do, say, or even wear, is mostly evaluated or judged in a comparative state. This social behavior leads to what we all face today - the need for external approval. 

Anything that we do or say or wear is not good enough unless it is appreciated or approved by someone. This need creates a huge psychological vacuum within that remains parched of self love for decades. 

When my boy completed his 12th and returned home in 2020 amidst the pandemic scare,  our biggest relief was that he was home with us. 

As discussions about his next academic move began, he had little or no clarity, neither did we. What he knew for sure was that which he did not want in life and that to me was a great clarity.  

Knowing what not to do is to me,  a higher clarity than knowing what to do. It comes from a deep observation of our surroundings and a well thought through decision making process. 

When our family chose to have him take a break from his academic and rather engage with some work experience meanwhile, we were welcomed with multiple judgements, opinions and even criticism from those near and far.  Everyone seem to have known what was best for our son except us. We respectfully heard them all, yet retained our stance. 

It is never easy to look the other way when being judged and criticized. Yet if we focus on that which matters the most, shifting the direction of what to pay attention to,  and what to ignore becomes relatively easy. 

Earlier in Oct this year,  my son completed 1 year of his work experience. This 1 year has taught him all that an academic course may not have. Creative thinking, customer service, work ethic, taking ownership, exploring his awesome writing talent, his ability to filter his communication, balancing emotions and so much more. Yes, he may be a little behind (so called) from his batch mates. But we were never in a race anyway. The only comparison we have taught him to do, is with his own past self.  Today, as he resumed his academics, I am more at peace seeing a matured, balanced and wise man walking into a college with confidence. 

Our belief systems are so deeply influenced by the confinement of the social systems around us, that it becomes more than natural to follow the set course. It does take a lot of grit, courage, conviction and perseverance to break the pattern and make our own path. Yet that is where true freedom lies. 

Choose freedom for yourself and for your loved ones.  Break free from the set patterns. You will thank yourself forever!

Impact of Covid 19 on Mental Health

When the Covid 19 infection spread it wings in the early months of 2020, causing more and more cases increasing in every corner of the world, it was soon announced to be a pandemic. The world quickly took notice of this and began to find ways to control its spread. What many failed to see was the silent pandemic that came along; the pandemic of mental health. 

Those with pre-identified mental health conditions, suffered with the sudden drop (up to 30% (1)) in the supply of medication and access to therapy (up to 67% (2)). While telemedicine and virtual therapy did bridge the gap to a certain extent, it took a while for mental health practitioners to make these alternate services available. Additionally, the reach for these services tend to stay limited to a certain sect of the society with the existing digital divide. 

As the cases of Covid 19 grew and spread far and wide, so did the issues, related to mental health. When situations of mass deaths in parts of the world came to light, the entire world stood still in a stake of shock. The most common emotion that engulfed the whole wide world, was that of FEAR. Some feared that they or their loved ones will get infected, while others feared for the lives of those already infected. As businesses shut, offices closed and the world literally came to a halt, an additional fear of livelihood, of future financial burdens and beyond, hit all those impacted.

This prolonged state of being in an emotion, impacted many to become passive, or overly protective; while others chose to hide it and suppress the fear behind anger and frustration. This led to a 25.6% (3) increase in cases of anxiety disorders, and an increase of 27.6% (4) cases of depression globally. 

When stay at home orders were put in place, workplaces and schools closed, families (of all types) were forced to stay together inside their homes. Not all families are conducive for good physical and mental health of all its members. Many family members find their mental peace and sanity at their workplace or with friends outside their own homes. When such families had to stay together amidst the rising emotion of fear everywhere, it impacted the dynamics. An alarming increase in domestic violence cases (highest in 10 years (5) in India alone) was recorded during the Covid-19 lockdown periods. It was observed that 1 in every 4 women (6) and 1 in every 10 men (7) were a victim of domestic violence. Considering 86% (8) women (in Indian context) do not even raise a complaint, this rise then, seems to be just the tip of the iceberg. The increase in the anxiety disorders and depression cases were also found higher in women (9) as compared to men. 

Research has also shown that increased stress levels, seclusion and fear in parents has led to the increase of child abuse cases around the world. At least 1 in every 7 children (10) has experienced child abuse/neglect during the pandemic. Children had never seen something like this in their lifetime and did not know how to handle the social seclusion from their friends, teachers and the outer world that they connected with. With lack of physical activity, social connection and the sense of being trapped, caused a lot of confusion leading to anxious behaviors. Stressed parents are more likely to respond to their children’s anxious behaviors in an abusive and aggressive manner. These responses not only increase the anxieties in the children in the present, but can also impact their mental health for years to come. 

A total of 52,00,000 (11) of deaths worldwide, have been reported due to Covid-19. Each of those who have lost their lives to this deadly disease, have left behind a trail of friends, family and loved ones. Many of who are probably still struggling to cope with such an untimely loss. Grief stricken people are more likely to lose their hope and purpose of living and slip into clinical depression. 

Amidst all this informed, data mapped discussion, there is another section of the society, that is dealing with the mental health traumas silently due to lack of knowledge, understanding and awareness of the what and the how. Many parts of the world, are still battling with the stigma attached to mental health. About 14% (12) of the global burden of disease is attributed to neuropsychiatric disorders. In the words of Dr. Brock Chrisholm, the first Director General of World Health Organization “without mental health, there is no true physical health”. Yet, we are far from treating and talking about mental health as we do for physical health. 

The work then has to be done at multiple levels. Starting from increasing knowledge and awareness, to improving the reach and access of available solutions, medications and therapies. And this work is not limited to those designated to lead. Each one of us, in our own circle of influence, in our own ability, knowledge and skill, can make an impact. If only, we make an intentionally conscious commitment to make choices aligned with this cause. 

Data Sources

(1), (2) – COVID-19 disrupting mental health services in most countries, WHO survey II 5 October 2020

(3), (4) - Global prevalence and burden of depressive and anxiety disorders in 204 countries and territories in 2020 due to the COVID-19 pandemic II Article in Lancet.com II Volume 398, ISSUE 10312, P1700-1712, November 06, 2021

(5) - Data | Domestic violence complaints at a 10-year high during COVID-19 lockdown II Article in THE HINDU, dated June 24, 2020

(6), (7)  - Violence Prevention II Center for Disease Control & Prevention II Intimate Partner Violence 

(8) -  Data | Domestic violence complaints at a 10-year high during COVID-19 lockdown II Article in THE HINDU, dated June 24, 2020

(9), (10)- Global prevalence and burden of depressive and anxiety disorders in 204 countries and territories in 2020 due to the COVID-19 pandemic II Article in Lancet.com II Volume 398, ISSUE 10312, P1700-1712, November 06, 2021

(11), (12) - Mental health awareness: The Indian scenario II 2016 Jul-Dec

Wise Parenting - a personal account

2020, my son just cleared his 12th std. Though he got great results (86%) in Humanities stream, following and encouraging a score based learning is not what we have ever encouraged. The focus has always been on learning, developing skills and character building.

While we are busy helping him identify what he wants to do next, what his passions are and what attracts him, so that his future doesn't fall into the trap of earning a living and paying bills. Yet, the common question we get asked from our friends, relatives and well wishers is 'what is he doing next? When is he joining college?' and sometimes well intentioned yet unsolicited advices like 'don't let it be a long break', 'they won't know, just put him in something, get him busy', etc. 

It is no one's fault here. We are so accustomed to a certain pattern of education, career, earning etc., that it truly becomes difficult to break the pattern and look beyond that. 

While we are committed to help him explore, identify and align with his passion and make a career out of it,  as much time as it may take, I must confess, keeping up with the expectations of people around us and constantly reminding ourselves to not get entangled in the same net of rat race, is a daily struggle. 

On a side note, as a parent I cannot be happier to see him contributing his time and skills to Making A Difference (www.mad2.in), learning and managing the complete website updates and improvements. It is the skills, the learning and the character that matters the most in the end. 

Fast forward to 2021, more than a year passed and our son has surprised us in more ways than one in this one year. 5th of Oct, he completes 1 year of working experience before he even turns 20.

This work experience has given him great exposure, visibility into the world, opportunity to meet different people, learn to interact with all types, in all situations, handling work pressures, late nights and early mornings. He has learned the nuances of communication, of event planning and management, client management, content writing, website design outline basics and more. He has learned to push himself beyond his comfort zone, to control his emotions and let go. To support team members and stand by them. To go beyond, for higher quality. To be creative and intuitive. And much much more... 

While the continuation of his formal education took a back seat in this one year (which he will soon restart), I am 100% confident that what he gained is much more rich in experience and learning. 

He may not yet have complete clarity of what he wants, but he sure knows what he doesn't want on life. An answer many adults realize after spending decades in education and employment. This we believe is the biggest reward, the best progress.

Conclusion, let me remind all the parents out there, please look beyond the standard structures of education and employment. There is much more in life to explore. Focus on character building, helping your child find peace early in life. 

Believe me, it is NOT easy to break away the shackles of confinement and judgment; of social opinions and peer pressures. But is it not impossible either. 

Let your children explore the sky, not just a nest you choose for them.

#letthembe #helpexplore #Youngadults #parenting #wiseparenting #beyondlimits

The Circle of Impact

It was the worst day of my life, I felt I had nothing left to live for. I felt everyone was here to only harm me and hurt me, no one wanted to see me happy. I felt my life had shattered. I was just 10. My favourite toy had been accidentally broken by my cousin.

They all conspired against me. I felt betrayed and cheated. I so wanted to wear my brand new white dress and they decided to keep blue as the colour theme. It was the last day of my school, I was just 16. 

Through many years even after that, these feelings of betrayal, others hurting me, conspiring against me and other similar ones, kept creeping into my head. Someone didn’t like my new haircut and I didn’t step out of the house till they grew back. I was fat shamed on social media and I didn’t eat for days. A friend commented on my communication skills and I couldn’t speak publicly for years, my confidence was broken. My boss’s opinion of me decided how talented and skilled I felt. What my neighbors thought of me, became the reality of my character. And the list goes on and on... 

Till one day, I felt like a puppet. A puppet whose remote control, was as if distributed to every random person on the road. Whose emotions, behaviours, actions, thoughts and worth, completely depended on how they used the remote control. It was as if I was shaken up from a deep slumber. I no longer wanted to be a controlled puppet. I did not want to be a hostage of other’s opinion of me. I wanted to break free. 

I realised that somehow I ended up letting people control me. I allowed other’s opinions to impact me. Every insignificant opinion began to dictate my reality. And then I began working on my ‘impact circle’. I carefully chose who would be inside my circle of impact and who would be outside. Who are these people who I trust completely and undoubtedly. Those I am sure will accept me as I am and will be non-judgemental honest critics of my shortcomings.

Over the years, this circle kept shrinking, till I got to just 2 people in my life, that I decided to allow to remain inside my circle of impact. Make no mistake...those I carefully opted to keep outside the circle, don’t stand to be insignificant in my life. They consist of my closest friends, my family members too and even some colleagues that I dearly love, care about and feel connected to. Yet, for the peace of my own soul, I chose to not allow them inside my Circle of Impact. It purely and simply means - while I will love them, care for them and stay compassionately available, anything that they do or don’t do, will not have a major impact on my being. It is, in my mind, the lowest form of detached attachment. 

Keeping my Circle of Impact small and intact, has given me the freedom nothing else could. It has brought the much needed peace and contentment to my soul. I am blessed to reach this state of calm. 
How BIG or Small is YOUR Circle Of Impact? 

The Voice

In the busy rigmarole of life, I get to hear so many different types of noises and voices.  The ting, ding, ping of the electronic devices, the woofs and bow bows that start my days. Those door bells, clanking of the utensils, the gushing sound of the tap water. The opening and closing of doors and the elevator message pleading to close its gates. I brave my way even through the honking and vrooming of the vehicles passing by, to get to yet another land of various sounds. People chatting, laughing or walking past. Keyboards typing, conference calls ringing, auto voice messages and more. I manoeuver my way through this all day long and passing again thousands of sounds, many of which are even deafening, I finally get back to decibels a notch lower. 

To the distinct noises of the idiot box, and the playful runs of the four legged angels. Slowly the noises of the world begin to dim and the tick-tock of the clock becomes more audible. 

Ironic as it may appear, only when I hear nothing else, is when I am truly listening. Listening to the most important person. To the deepest of wisdom there can be. To the answers to questions I was seeking all day. To the solutions to issues I have been dying to resolve. To the creative streak of looking beyond what’s visible, and accepting what is, as is. 

It is this when I can hear my breath, the one, that just by passing through me, bestows me with the gift of life, every single time. 

It is this when I can hear my heart beating, not just in my chest but also on my wrist and the temples. The heart that pumps the fluid of life through every inch of my body. 

It is this when I can listen to those subtle voices in my head, that have been shushed all day. The voices that bring the highest of intelligence and deepest of wisdom to my thoughts. 

It is, in these 15 minutes of silence,  when I am truly living my life. My 15 minutes with my favourite person - myself. 

The Voice

In the busy rigmarole of life, I get to hear so many different types of noises and voices.  The ting, ding, ping of the electronic devices, the woofs and bow bows that start my days. Those door bells, clanking of the utensils, the gushing sound of the tap water. The opening and closing of doors and the elevator message pleading to close its gates. I brave my way even through the honking and vrooming of the vehicles passing by, to get to yet another land of various sounds. People chatting, laughing or walking past. Keyboards typing, conference calls ringing, auto voice messages and more. I manoeuver my way through this all day long and passing again thousands of sounds, many of which are even deafening, I finally get back to decibels a notch lower. 

To the distinct noises of the idiot box, and the playful runs of the four legged angels. Slowly the noises of the world begin to dim and the tick-tock of the clock becomes more audible. 

Ironic as it may appear, only when I hear nothing else, is when I am truly listening. Listening to the most important person. To the deepest of wisdom there can be. To the answers to questions I was seeking all day. To the solutions to issues I have been dying to resolve. To the creative streak of looking beyond what’s visible, and accepting what is, as is. 

It is this when I can hear my breath, the one, that just by passing through me, bestows me with the gift of life, every single time. 

It is this when I can hear my heart beating, not just in my chest but also on my wrist and the temples. The heart that pumps the fluid of life through every inch of my body. 

It is this when I can listen to those subtle voices in my head, that have been shushed all day. The voices that bring the highest of intelligence and deepest of wisdom to my thoughts. 

It is, in these 15 minutes of silence,  when I am truly living my life. My 15 minutes with my favourite person - myself.