Sleeping for a Healthy Life

One of the most essential needs of any living being is a good quality sleep. With the rising stress levels, I hear many struggling with getting a good night sleep. 

Not very long ago, I was there too. Here are some steps I took to self heal my sleeplessness and other sleep issues. Sharing a few of these steps with you all. 

1. Hygiene - cleanliness has a big role to play. Ensure your sheets, your room and you yourself are clean right before bedtime. 

2. Calm body - you can either use a good healing scented soap, scrub or body wash to have a hot water bath, or light a scented candle in your room. You can also use a room fresher or just a perfume of your choice. The important thing is to find the scent or fragrance that calms you down. 

3. Calm mind - deep breathing is the best method to calm an active brain. Simply close your eyes and do slow rhythmic deep breathing for 5 to 10 minutes. Writing also induces calm in the otherwise hyper active mind. It allows you to vent your thoughts on paper and empty your mind. Looking at the next day’s schedule and mentally preparing for it, helps me immensely. 

4. Time - though very difficult these days, and I myself am unable to follow this always, but sleeping at the same time every day also helps. It trains our mind and body to start getting into sleep mode when its sleep time. 

5. Gratitude - one of the prime reasons of an anxious mind is the fear of tomorrow. Gratitude towards every small thing you have been blessed with, allows you to let go and surrender. It will enable you to embrace every single day with the same energy. Thereby reducing anxiety of the future. I like to write my gratitude journal everyday before bed time. 

Hope you find these useful. Do share your comments on this and also on other steps you take to get a good night sleep every night.

My Story - From Victim to Victory

This blog is dedicated to all those who think talking about being vulnerable or emotional, about anxieties, fears and mental health issues, about depression, is being weak. As a part of my commitment to help make these conversations, NORMAL, neither shameful, nor brave, just NORMAL, I am sharing my story of DEPRESSION and EUPHORIA.  

Set me on fire, burn me to ashes, and every time, Like a Phoenix I shall rise.

The Mindset

Having had quite a rough childhood with various painful experiences, I reached a stage during my teenage, where I made up my mind that I was not worthy of love and happiness at all. This mindset was an outcome of the personal losses, being violated sexually and exploited emotionally by multiple people around me. Though these people were far less than those who loved me and cared for me, but because no one said 'YOU MATTER', I assumed I did not. And this mindset stayed with me for a very very long time. It also ended up adding additional problems to my life, because I operated from the paradigm of 'I am not needed. I am not good enough'. I became a victim to everyone and every circumstance which took into a downward spiral from one negative thought to another. It became my personality and I slowly started enjoying being pitied upon. I loved the attention I got when I was either sad, negative or sick. My 'I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH' mindset, made me believe that the only way I could get attention, and matter to someone was by being miserable.

The Change

Till there came a breaking point and like a tight slap on my face, I realized I need to own up my life, my choices, my mistakes, my miseries. I knew nothing could help change my past. But I also understood that if someone could help change my future, it was only and only me. I took control of my life and made some very tough decisions. Some decisions got me great results and some made me fall flat on the floor. Yet, somehow I did not become miserable again. Partly because I knew I had no one to blame, and partly because I had learned, being miserable won't get me anything positive.

This change in mindset and outlook towards life, transformed my life. And the changes reflected in every aspect of it - emotional, financial, social, relationships, health, intelligence, spirituality... every single aspect of it. It was as if life was slowly coming on track and settling down for me. I was content of the roles I played and the contributions I made. I was less needy and more giving. I became lesser and lesser dependent on approvals and acknowledgments of the world. My inner circle, those who could make a big impact in my life, slowly shrunk and became very intimate. I was a blissful mode.

The Depression

And then out of nowhere, for no rhyme or reason, I became depressive. I vividly remember that night on 2016 April, when without any trigger whatsoever, all of a sudden, I began having anxiety attacks. It was something I had never seen, heard of, or experienced before. Not when I lost my mother, or my father. Not when I got divorced and was on the verge of losing my only son's custody battle, not when I escaped rape, or surrendered to marital rape... never. I had never experienced this ever. I would scream at the top of my voice, cry my guts out, pull my hair, scratch my skin, thump my feet on the floor. This went on for few minutes I am told till my son and my husband held me tight and calmed me down. They both were clueless of what happened and why I behaved the way I did. They carefully put me sleep and remained watchful through the night. Next day, I woke up fine. Yet I wasn't sure what happened the night before and how someone like me (for the person I had become) could behave that way. So, I took a day off from work and for the first time ever, told my family to not contact me till I do, and walked out of the house. I had no idea where I was going, all I knew is I wanted to sit down and put my thoughts together. After some confusing decisions, I landed up in one coffee shop to another and all through the day, just kept writing. This has been my normal practice to organize my thoughts and to connect with my subconscious mind. But for the first time, I had no new answers, no new outcome. Nothing I could pin point and say this is why I feel this way.

The Healing

After some reading on the internet and few discussions with my family, while the anxiety attacks continued and became worse, we concurred it appeared to be depression. We did not want to wait any bit and chose to see a psychologist. But the meeting was not fruitful. We met two of them and both of them could neither comprehend nor relate to my state. One even blamed me for it. And then we chose to contact my sister, my best friend. She found out and recommended a senior Psychiatrist in Fortis, Delhi and my journey to recovery began. Over the next month or so, I went through psychiatric assessments, and after a series of diagnostic counseling sessions, got diagnosed with anxiety driven clinical depression and, was put on medication, and weekly counseling sessions.

On the other hand, my family rose up to the occasion like one should. They began understanding and observing the changes and identify and communicate the triggers whenever they could figure out one. They guided me through physical exercises without being pushy, heard me without reasoning what I said, re-created the entire environment of the house to soothe my surroundings, with calming music, aromatic scents, candles and more. My husband would hold my hand and sit beside me, guiding me through meditations, because I feared closing my eyes even for a moment. This was as difficult for them as it was for me. This went on for a little more than a year and I was slowly getting better. I had resumed work after few weeks itself and was contributing to my best. It neither impacted my work, nor my job, nor my relationships or my social circle. Almost all of my friends knew I was going through this, and each one of them wore the supportive robe. After around 9 or 10 months, I requested my counselor to stop the medication and she agreed. The counseling sessions continued till I felt the need and slowly diminished.

The Logic

What was most interesting about this journey was the reason. When I asked my counselor why she thought I got this now, when almost everything in my life was going so well, and not when I was actually going through hell multiple times in the past. Her response was - 'your brain has been overworked and too occupied handling one challenge after another. You practically had no space for yourself to pause, reflect on the past life and proceed. Your consistently challenging life, did not allow that space to you. So now, when your brain was relieved of solving problems and managing challenges, it went into a reflective mode and began to refresh all the past memories. So 25 to 30 years of painful memories attacking your mind all at once, created this situation.'

The Euphoria

I have come to believe that every dark cloud does have a silver lining. Just because we cannot see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Sometimes it may be for us, at other times, our suffering may help save someone else from one. My biggest takeaway from the depressive phase was

-- No matter what or who causes any stress for me, at a level that is beyond my capability to handle, (we all have a threshold, I learned about mine), that, simply goes out of my life. And any discussion, activity or relationship that brings no peace, no love, no compassion but only negativity, anger, hatred and descent, is simply not worthy of my time, energy and attention.

The Lessons

• It is OK to be unwell mentally and it can be treated.
  
• You will not always have a reason to specify the cause.
  
• Help is around and available, we have to ask for it to receive.
  
• Like any other treatment, if I do not want to heal, I cannot. Internal willingness plays a vital role.
  
• Your support system becomes your strength. Don't wait for the harsh sun to go searching for shade. Plant a tree of mutual trust and non-judgemental acceptance today, so if and when need arises. you have your shade ready.
  
• Do not limit your need for support to the immediate family. Sometimes who can help us, sit outside of our closed inner circle.
  
• Invest in building your mental immunity just like you do for your physical self. Choose your thoughts, words, actions and surroundings carefully.
  
• Growth from being dependent to interdependent in relationships will take you a long way.
  
• Keep yourself actively engaged in an activity you connect the most with or are passionate about. Don't limit your life to earning and paying bills, cooking, feeding and cleaning.
  

The Path Ahead

I am aware that not everyone has the kind of support system I was blessed with. Though I know I earned these relationships through love, compassion and dedication, they remain blessings without any doubt. The truth also is that not all will end up with that awakening 'tight slap' that I had. And so, I feel it is my duty and responsibility to give back to the world what I received and even that which I lacked.

In service of love & compassion, I shall remain.

A vacuum

Too little I was when left alone

She blessed me and took me home

Not knowing why and where I came,

Soon One among the three I became

She instilled the character I possess today

Protected me keeping all odds at bay

An image of love and giving

From her I learned the art of living

What she gave me no one can take

For me she put lots at stake

Breaking all bonds, she leaves us

To unite with the almighty and bless

She may be absent in person

But in my soul she lives

The strength to keep giving

Even now She gives

No one can fill the vacuum she leaves behind

But in everything I do, will do, her blessings I find.

With all my heart and soul I pray

May her Soul rest in peace and Blessed she stay.

Love you Mamma. More than I could ever tell you. More than you may ever know.

Varsha

My first ever poem was written for my Mamma.l Guess I was around 16/17 years old then. Every word here came from the deepest of my core and holds true today and will do forever. I couldn't do anything to reduce her pain or to save her life.. This guilt will never leave me till I am alive. 

I however can only shed tears, pray for her peace and spread the love she gave me to others. Every Good anyone can see in me today, comes from her.. She taught me how to give and not expect... she did that all her life, for everyone.. She taught me to forgive and not hold grudges... she did so too. I exist cause she chose to hold my hand and guide me though the tough paths of life after I lost my mom at a very very young age. Since I was 2 yrs old.. the word 'Mother' has only one meaning to me and will always remain.. and that is She.  Miss you mamma... Much Much More than anyone can even try to comprehend. 

It's been 7 years since you left us and this world to be one with the Great Lord. Praying with all your children for your soul to rest in peace.

Motherhood Gratitude

Mother, a word that is not just a role but an emotion for me. An emotion that went through multiple roller coaster rides during this journey of life. From accepting my aunt to be my mom as a toddler and planting my entire life in her garden, to grappling with the truth of having lost my mother, as a child. From surrendering myself to my step mother in search of that acceptance from her, to bowing myself to my mother in law, hoping to find the same motherly affection.

Yet, the feeling of becoming a mother myself was probably the most overwhelming one ever. Since that beautiful winter night when I first heard you cry, every effort of my life has been to keep your tears at bay. 

Call it fate, destiny or opportunity. Since the very first day, despite being with your father, I lived the life of a single mother, and a blessing it has been. Witnessing every single progress you have made, your first turn, your first step, your first word. Having the chance to celebrate every birthday of yours, and wipe painful tears of yours. Those solo visits to the doctor, and to the parks, and to every place I could practically take you. 

Our struggles have been intertwined my boy. I know what you must have felt when i first left you in a creche at a tender age of 2.5 years, or at the pre-school at 3.5 years. You will never comprehend what limitations I had and what I went through doing that. The biggest regret I have ever had and will ever have is leaving my little 1st std. boy in a boarding in Ooty. As I walked away leaving the crying and wailing you behind me, a part of me died inside me. That fateful day of June was the worst day ever of my life and will always stay so. 

Yes I missed dropping and picking you up from school or bus stop. I couldn't spend enough time tutoring you. Yes, I hardly played any board games with you or cooked delicacies for you. There were times I even missed your Parent teacher meetings, and was late on paying your fees too. Yet, I have always tried to do whatever I humanly could. 

My struggles, have never been mine alone. Every step I took, impacted you in some way. And you have always gracefully, bravely and boldly stood by me, walked with me and even been my support. Knowing how to handle me during an asthma attack at the age of 2, or how to stay safely alone at home from the age of 6. Managing the entire household as an 8 year old or making my favorite cup of tea since the age of 10. You my boy, have lived it all throughout with me, step by step, hand in hand. 

Yes your teenage years have been tough, for both of us. As much as you were exploring your new phase, so was I as a teenager's mom. We both have lost our cool, been impatient and had fights and cold wars. Yet we both know we cannot live without each other. 

As you step into adulthood, I write this today to let you know. That you will ALWAYS remain my sunshine, my lifeline. That whatever you choose to do in life, whichever path you walk, you will always have my support. That you have the freedom to walk your path, choose your journey and not get burdened by my responsibility. And that if and when you turn around, you will always find me smiling back at you with love and open arms, either in this world, or another. 

My son, you have brought the mother in me alive. I have learnt to love, to be compassionate, to care and be kind by being your mother. No you are not a perfect son and neither am I a perfect mother. But who wants perfection? I would rather have an imperfectly beautiful and messy relationship that is natural than a rigid and plastic perfect one. 

On this mother 's day, I write this to let you know, before I forget, or its too late, that YOU made the Mother in me. And for that one reason alone, you shall always, always remain my most special boy. 

Love you my sunshine. My lifeline you shall remain..

Love in Lockdown

Someone for whom human interaction and physical connect matters a lot and contributes to keeping sane and happy; this lock down is a very tough time. Holding the hand of your beloved, a silent and warm long hug, a peck on the cheeks, or a passionate romantic kiss, the healing powers of a loving human touch is beyond description. 

As much as you require, as tough as it may seem, staying away from those you love, is the true test of your love during these times. Being at the receiving end of this myself, I am here to share some ways in which we can see this through. 

Trust - being the foundation of all relationships, is that for this test too. Keep your trust in your relationship and your beloved strong and let it flourish during this distance. Know that they have always loved you, and will continue to, that no one can replace you for each other, and that they will take care of themselves for you. 

Communication - though always one of the most critical aspects, it is much more important during these times. But, I am not talking about long chats, keeping each other informed, video chats etc. here. Do that if you can for sure. But the communication I am talking about is more skin deep. The ability to listen to the silence and to know what exactly the no response to a certain message may mean. The ability to crisply communicate during that 2-minute phone call that you so much yearned for. The ability to wait for a response for days, not with anxiety but with patience trust and positive thoughts. That type of communication is the need of the hour or months if I may say. 

Consideration – when we are in pain, the human tendency is to think of, feel about and understand only our pain. It makes us blind to the pain that others go through. Remember this separation, this distance, this longing, is not yours alone, it is for both involved, equally. Be considerate towards this fact and do not make it all about your pain alone. 

Gratitude – tough times are the best times to reflect upon the good times. Remind yourself about the lovely times of togetherness, think of those times so deeply and intently, that you should actually be able to feel the warmth. Write down the things that you are grateful for. Having someone you can miss; in itself is something to be grateful for. Many people do not even have this. 

Positivity – The energy, with which we think of others, is the same energy we send to them. It is natural to get all negative thoughts when you are away and unable to get in touch, yet would you want to send negativity to your loved ones, especially when you know you can send positivity. So be mindful of your thoughts. 

Acceptance – do not keep questioning the reality. Acceptance is the first step to happiness. Accept this distance and let it sink in. Acceptance does not mean you need to put a fake brave face and suppress your emotion. Acceptance means to acknowledge your emotion, cry if you need to, know what is making you cry, or feel anxious or negative, fix the root cause and then move ahead to managing that emotion. 

Cope – Find your own coping mechanisms. Do not let the brain trick you and rule you; tame it and train it. Do things that keep you virtually connected to your loved ones. Listening to their favorite music, or watching that movie you both so laughed together at, browsing through your vacation memories – photos, or anything else you hold dear, wearing their clothes to feel their smell, making a memory journal or photo book… option are many. Instead of sitting and shedding those precious tears, get to work. 

I know, this is not an exhaustive list of what you can and cannot do. I also know that this wouldn’t change your life, and make all your worries and anxieties vanish the moment you finish reading it. Yet, I know for sure that it will put things in perspective and give you an opportunity to adjust and re-adjust to your situation and your emotions during these times. 

Love cannot be locked down. Just like flowing water, when hits an obstruction, doesn’t stop, but finds its way around it, Love too will flourish if you let it find another way.

Love and Light 

Liberating Ariana

No You Are Not Gone

No you are not gone....

With every passing day, you send new blessings my way,
With every fleeting thought, you guide me what to say,
No you are not gone....

The life I boast of, is a gift you gave, you taught me to be a queen never a slave,
No you are not gone....

The values I preach, the love I share,
Is really what was left out of your heart to spare,
No you are not gone....

Not a touch, not a feel, yet I sense you all around,
Not a word,  not a song, yet I hear in all your sound, 
No you are not gone....

No I am not in denial, I am not holding on, yet there is something of you that has stayed back
Paving my path, guiding my soul, flying me high, keeping me in check

So I say, No you are not gone....
you are here, right here,
with me, within me,
in me, around me,
above me, surrounding me.

May be I was you and you are me. May be what is, Is you and what's gone was me.

Miss you I may not, because the day I do, I will be no more...