The Abandoned Book

It was the November of 2018. My official travels had begun after some gap. With an intention to make memories while I travelled, I had recently and carefully picked up a travel companion, a beautiful travel diary and a fascinating pen gifted by my love. After making short notes of diary entries, on this special day, a sight so different drew my attention and thoughts began pouring out of my subconscious self. This blog is an outcome of this outpour. 

With the restart of travels, came some special 'me-time' of reading, writing, observing and everything in between. Reading this amazing book by Mrs. Funny Bones, that I was loving every bit of, certain sections left me wondering. Wondering if that was how life had truly become. The 'hanging in the air' 'keep guessing' ending of the book kept me yearning for more. I really wish she writes more and that she writes another sequel of this book. 

While waiting at the Miami airport for my connecting flight, I came across a strange sight that caught my attention. An empty bottle, a coffee cup and an abandoned book. Though it was quite common to see people leaving an empty bottle or an incomplete cup of coffee in places, it was quite unlikely to see a complete book, 'rather new' be left behind. What was more intriguing was the title of the book 'Sold to be a wife'. My imagination couldn't stop thinking about the owner of this book, about why did they pick it up and what did they abandon it? What went through their mind while reading it and did they complete it or leave it mid-way? And my mind began weaving stories around it... 

A middle-aged man, visibly in his forties walks up to the bookstore. While going through the list of options, he stumbles across this interesting title 'Sold to be wife'. Intrigued to know beyond the summary, he ends up buying it. He is probably interested in how women get treated as wives across the world or may be doing psychological research on why some women do not speak up in domestic violence cases. He sits down to read the book with a cup of coffee and before he knows, he is downed in it. May be so engrossed that he did not hear the announcement of his flight and with the fear of almost missing it, rushes to the boarding gate, in a hurry, leaving this book and his trash behind. 

Or maybe it was a woman. A married woman traveling alone, who probably connected to the subject and picked up the book hoping to find some relevance or some solace. The book was probably so strikingly similar to her life, that it brought back the memories, the suffering, the pain, all back to her. She probably was so troubled by it that she stopped reading it mid-way and deliberately left it behind, as if she was literally leaving her past behind. So engrossed in her thoughts that she forgot to throw her rubbish in the trashcan. Don't we all do this sometimes? We get so entangled in our own world that we fail to see the rubbish we leave behind for others, in happiness or in pain. 

Or was it a young girl? An ardent reader and a fiction lover, bought this book to quench her thirst for some new, captivating, heart wrenching fiction, full of thrill, suspense and romance. As she swiped through the pages of the book, sipping her coffee, staining the cup with her red lipstick, she found it not up to her mark may be. Maybe she felt the author didn't do justice to the topic or live up to her expectations and so left leaving the book behind. 

Just then, the announcements brought me back to the conscious world of the present and I packed my stuff, threw the empty coffee cup, and water bottle that sat there so long, along with my coffee cup, picked up my cabin baggage, and walked towards my boarding gate with the possibilities of the truth behind the 'the abandoned book', still lingering in my subconscious. 

LONG story short...

I woke up thinking it was a bad dream. A scary nightmare really. As I sat up on my bed, my hands naturally went through my tresses as a habit, to roll them into a careless morning bun and get going with my day's chores. It usually took me 3 turns of my hair and no clips or bands to make a bun in less than 30 seconds. But today was different; painfully, hurtfully different. As I ran my hands through them and tried to make a bun, the length suddenly fell short. That is the moment when reality hit me harder than before.  

It wasn't a bad dream. It was a living nightmare that had transcended even into my days.

Back during my 8th std. I went to a beauty parlor/ salon for the first time with my elder sister. As she went about with her rituals, we discussed and thought of trimming my hair by half an inch to make it even at the lengths. I was scared as I hadn't asked papa but didi was confident he wouldn't even notice. So, for the first time ever, I trimmed my hair by half an inch or less. That day, I heard my Papa's anger in his silence for the first time. He did not speak to me or see my face for a week. Later I got to know that my mom had long tresses and my Papa saw them in me and so was hurt when I tried to even trim them.

Fast forward 1998, I was returning home in a train with my brother. I had recently undergone my appendicitis surgery and used to take pain relieving medication at bed time which caused a deeper sleep than normal. After having a quick dinner with my brother, I took my medicine and went to sleep on the side upper berth.

As I woke up the next morning, and ran my hands into my hair to make my regular bun, I couldn't even hold my hair. Someone had cut my entire braid (I had hair below my waistline). My hair was shoulder length now. I remember crying and wailing at the top of my voice for losing my hair to such a strange experience. Despite whatever my brother and others thought, I knew the truth and was in deep pain for a very long time.

Over the years, I cared for my hair, flaunted some short hairstyles as they grew and worked on them to grow them back to their original length and beyond.

For the last 12 odd years, I have had the longest of the hair I have ever had, running below the buttocks.

I have always loved my hair like myself. I have talked to them, cared for them, and even fought for them. Over the last few decades, they kind of became an integral part of my entity, my USP. Everyone I would meet around the world, would praise them and ask me for hair growth and hair care tips.

And as my plans to make my hair healthier and longer continued, a sudden jerk woke me up to the reality of 'nothing stays forever'.

 

Not having time to step out, I booked a hair professional to come home and trim my hair lengths to make them even. I have been doing this every couple of months to remove the pigtail dead hair from the lengths. But this time, universe had other plans.

Despite re-scheduling the booking 2 times to get the same professional like earlier, I was surprised to see a new person standing in front of me at 11 am on 20th June, 2022.

I carefully explained to him what I wanted and showed him exactly how much it need to be cut... around 1.5 inches. I told him at least 5 times that I don't want the length to be shortened, whatsoever. Even if it doesn't look good.

He nodded in affirmation. And started on, with sectioning my hair. I am so possessive about them that I combed de-tangled them myself to avoid the professional pulling on them.

As he sectioned, I asked him again, looking at where he placed the clip on the lengths, "are you going to cut till here? I don't want that". He said, "no no, I will only cut as much as you have shown me".

I trusted, I allowed him to touch my precious hair. I trusted him to understand my need to keep the length.

Alas, God only knows what he had in his mind. As he finished and I went to see the trim in my mirror, bringing my hair to the front, I stood there in shock. I hadn't seen my hair so short in more than a decade now.

I went to him, angry, hurt and confused, still in shock with what he had done. To my surprise he kept saying he cut exactly how much I told him. I tried, but the ability of argument is something I am incapable of. I simply told him to leave my house.

 

As I went back to the mirror, trying to come to terms with what had just happened, I clicked this picture to see for myself, to make sure what I saw was true.

At that moment, I vividly remember a flash of the scene 'why did you cut my hair so short' running through my subconscious mind, when I first saw this curly hair guy Paul. I saw it in a BLINK and I ignored it in a BLINK. That was my crime.

I have been devastated since then. I felt everything shattering in front of me. I could feel my heart sinking and my tears have known no end. The last I had these level of breakdowns was when I went through depression in 2016.
 

For the loving family I am blessed with, they did their best to make me feel myself without my identity, my long hair. I could smile again and even try a new hairstyle which I haven't ever. Yet something remained blank within.

Being so used to feel my hair below my waistline at the back, I feel something is missing in me all the time. And as I woke up today, this reality has hit me one more time, harder than earlier.

It is going to be a long and painful journey to get my hair back to where I want it. While I will continue to feel the absence, I choose to look for the sunshine in this dark experience.

Not sure how many of you will relate to this, but this mattered to me and my loved ones, A LOT. And I will go through this too, as instructed by the universe. I promise I will bring back to you my introspection and reflection of the good in this experience. 

Till then, judge me for all you want. But I am silently mourning this loss.

Comparison kills Creative Freedom

As a society, we grow with constant comparison both within and outside our homes. Anything that we do, say, or even wear, is mostly evaluated or judged in a comparative state. This social behavior leads to what we all face today - the need for external approval. 

Anything that we do or say or wear is not good enough unless it is appreciated or approved by someone. This need creates a huge psychological vacuum within that remains parched of self love for decades. 

When my boy completed his 12th and returned home in 2020 amidst the pandemic scare,  our biggest relief was that he was home with us. 

As discussions about his next academic move began, he had little or no clarity, neither did we. What he knew for sure was that which he did not want in life and that to me was a great clarity.  

Knowing what not to do is to me,  a higher clarity than knowing what to do. It comes from a deep observation of our surroundings and a well thought through decision making process. 

When our family chose to have him take a break from his academic and rather engage with some work experience meanwhile, we were welcomed with multiple judgements, opinions and even criticism from those near and far.  Everyone seem to have known what was best for our son except us. We respectfully heard them all, yet retained our stance. 

It is never easy to look the other way when being judged and criticized. Yet if we focus on that which matters the most, shifting the direction of what to pay attention to,  and what to ignore becomes relatively easy. 

Earlier in Oct this year,  my son completed 1 year of his work experience. This 1 year has taught him all that an academic course may not have. Creative thinking, customer service, work ethic, taking ownership, exploring his awesome writing talent, his ability to filter his communication, balancing emotions and so much more. Yes, he may be a little behind (so called) from his batch mates. But we were never in a race anyway. The only comparison we have taught him to do, is with his own past self.  Today, as he resumed his academics, I am more at peace seeing a matured, balanced and wise man walking into a college with confidence. 

Our belief systems are so deeply influenced by the confinement of the social systems around us, that it becomes more than natural to follow the set course. It does take a lot of grit, courage, conviction and perseverance to break the pattern and make our own path. Yet that is where true freedom lies. 

Choose freedom for yourself and for your loved ones.  Break free from the set patterns. You will thank yourself forever!

Impact of Covid 19 on Mental Health

When the Covid 19 infection spread it wings in the early months of 2020, causing more and more cases increasing in every corner of the world, it was soon announced to be a pandemic. The world quickly took notice of this and began to find ways to control its spread. What many failed to see was the silent pandemic that came along; the pandemic of mental health. 

Those with pre-identified mental health conditions, suffered with the sudden drop (up to 30% (1)) in the supply of medication and access to therapy (up to 67% (2)). While telemedicine and virtual therapy did bridge the gap to a certain extent, it took a while for mental health practitioners to make these alternate services available. Additionally, the reach for these services tend to stay limited to a certain sect of the society with the existing digital divide. 

As the cases of Covid 19 grew and spread far and wide, so did the issues, related to mental health. When situations of mass deaths in parts of the world came to light, the entire world stood still in a stake of shock. The most common emotion that engulfed the whole wide world, was that of FEAR. Some feared that they or their loved ones will get infected, while others feared for the lives of those already infected. As businesses shut, offices closed and the world literally came to a halt, an additional fear of livelihood, of future financial burdens and beyond, hit all those impacted.

This prolonged state of being in an emotion, impacted many to become passive, or overly protective; while others chose to hide it and suppress the fear behind anger and frustration. This led to a 25.6% (3) increase in cases of anxiety disorders, and an increase of 27.6% (4) cases of depression globally. 

When stay at home orders were put in place, workplaces and schools closed, families (of all types) were forced to stay together inside their homes. Not all families are conducive for good physical and mental health of all its members. Many family members find their mental peace and sanity at their workplace or with friends outside their own homes. When such families had to stay together amidst the rising emotion of fear everywhere, it impacted the dynamics. An alarming increase in domestic violence cases (highest in 10 years (5) in India alone) was recorded during the Covid-19 lockdown periods. It was observed that 1 in every 4 women (6) and 1 in every 10 men (7) were a victim of domestic violence. Considering 86% (8) women (in Indian context) do not even raise a complaint, this rise then, seems to be just the tip of the iceberg. The increase in the anxiety disorders and depression cases were also found higher in women (9) as compared to men. 

Research has also shown that increased stress levels, seclusion and fear in parents has led to the increase of child abuse cases around the world. At least 1 in every 7 children (10) has experienced child abuse/neglect during the pandemic. Children had never seen something like this in their lifetime and did not know how to handle the social seclusion from their friends, teachers and the outer world that they connected with. With lack of physical activity, social connection and the sense of being trapped, caused a lot of confusion leading to anxious behaviors. Stressed parents are more likely to respond to their children’s anxious behaviors in an abusive and aggressive manner. These responses not only increase the anxieties in the children in the present, but can also impact their mental health for years to come. 

A total of 52,00,000 (11) of deaths worldwide, have been reported due to Covid-19. Each of those who have lost their lives to this deadly disease, have left behind a trail of friends, family and loved ones. Many of who are probably still struggling to cope with such an untimely loss. Grief stricken people are more likely to lose their hope and purpose of living and slip into clinical depression. 

Amidst all this informed, data mapped discussion, there is another section of the society, that is dealing with the mental health traumas silently due to lack of knowledge, understanding and awareness of the what and the how. Many parts of the world, are still battling with the stigma attached to mental health. About 14% (12) of the global burden of disease is attributed to neuropsychiatric disorders. In the words of Dr. Brock Chrisholm, the first Director General of World Health Organization “without mental health, there is no true physical health”. Yet, we are far from treating and talking about mental health as we do for physical health. 

The work then has to be done at multiple levels. Starting from increasing knowledge and awareness, to improving the reach and access of available solutions, medications and therapies. And this work is not limited to those designated to lead. Each one of us, in our own circle of influence, in our own ability, knowledge and skill, can make an impact. If only, we make an intentionally conscious commitment to make choices aligned with this cause. 

Data Sources

(1), (2) – COVID-19 disrupting mental health services in most countries, WHO survey II 5 October 2020

(3), (4) - Global prevalence and burden of depressive and anxiety disorders in 204 countries and territories in 2020 due to the COVID-19 pandemic II Article in Lancet.com II Volume 398, ISSUE 10312, P1700-1712, November 06, 2021

(5) - Data | Domestic violence complaints at a 10-year high during COVID-19 lockdown II Article in THE HINDU, dated June 24, 2020

(6), (7)  - Violence Prevention II Center for Disease Control & Prevention II Intimate Partner Violence 

(8) -  Data | Domestic violence complaints at a 10-year high during COVID-19 lockdown II Article in THE HINDU, dated June 24, 2020

(9), (10)- Global prevalence and burden of depressive and anxiety disorders in 204 countries and territories in 2020 due to the COVID-19 pandemic II Article in Lancet.com II Volume 398, ISSUE 10312, P1700-1712, November 06, 2021

(11), (12) - Mental health awareness: The Indian scenario II 2016 Jul-Dec

Wise Parenting - a personal account

2020, my son just cleared his 12th std. Though he got great results (86%) in Humanities stream, following and encouraging a score based learning is not what we have ever encouraged. The focus has always been on learning, developing skills and character building.

While we are busy helping him identify what he wants to do next, what his passions are and what attracts him, so that his future doesn't fall into the trap of earning a living and paying bills. Yet, the common question we get asked from our friends, relatives and well wishers is 'what is he doing next? When is he joining college?' and sometimes well intentioned yet unsolicited advices like 'don't let it be a long break', 'they won't know, just put him in something, get him busy', etc. 

It is no one's fault here. We are so accustomed to a certain pattern of education, career, earning etc., that it truly becomes difficult to break the pattern and look beyond that. 

While we are committed to help him explore, identify and align with his passion and make a career out of it,  as much time as it may take, I must confess, keeping up with the expectations of people around us and constantly reminding ourselves to not get entangled in the same net of rat race, is a daily struggle. 

On a side note, as a parent I cannot be happier to see him contributing his time and skills to Making A Difference (www.mad2.in), learning and managing the complete website updates and improvements. It is the skills, the learning and the character that matters the most in the end. 

Fast forward to 2021, more than a year passed and our son has surprised us in more ways than one in this one year. 5th of Oct, he completes 1 year of working experience before he even turns 20.

This work experience has given him great exposure, visibility into the world, opportunity to meet different people, learn to interact with all types, in all situations, handling work pressures, late nights and early mornings. He has learned the nuances of communication, of event planning and management, client management, content writing, website design outline basics and more. He has learned to push himself beyond his comfort zone, to control his emotions and let go. To support team members and stand by them. To go beyond, for higher quality. To be creative and intuitive. And much much more... 

While the continuation of his formal education took a back seat in this one year (which he will soon restart), I am 100% confident that what he gained is much more rich in experience and learning. 

He may not yet have complete clarity of what he wants, but he sure knows what he doesn't want on life. An answer many adults realize after spending decades in education and employment. This we believe is the biggest reward, the best progress.

Conclusion, let me remind all the parents out there, please look beyond the standard structures of education and employment. There is much more in life to explore. Focus on character building, helping your child find peace early in life. 

Believe me, it is NOT easy to break away the shackles of confinement and judgment; of social opinions and peer pressures. But is it not impossible either. 

Let your children explore the sky, not just a nest you choose for them.

#letthembe #helpexplore #Youngadults #parenting #wiseparenting #beyondlimits

The Circle of Impact

It was the worst day of my life, I felt I had nothing left to live for. I felt everyone was here to only harm me and hurt me, no one wanted to see me happy. I felt my life had shattered. I was just 10. My favourite toy had been accidentally broken by my cousin.

They all conspired against me. I felt betrayed and cheated. I so wanted to wear my brand new white dress and they decided to keep blue as the colour theme. It was the last day of my school, I was just 16. 

Through many years even after that, these feelings of betrayal, others hurting me, conspiring against me and other similar ones, kept creeping into my head. Someone didn’t like my new haircut and I didn’t step out of the house till they grew back. I was fat shamed on social media and I didn’t eat for days. A friend commented on my communication skills and I couldn’t speak publicly for years, my confidence was broken. My boss’s opinion of me decided how talented and skilled I felt. What my neighbors thought of me, became the reality of my character. And the list goes on and on... 

Till one day, I felt like a puppet. A puppet whose remote control, was as if distributed to every random person on the road. Whose emotions, behaviours, actions, thoughts and worth, completely depended on how they used the remote control. It was as if I was shaken up from a deep slumber. I no longer wanted to be a controlled puppet. I did not want to be a hostage of other’s opinion of me. I wanted to break free. 

I realised that somehow I ended up letting people control me. I allowed other’s opinions to impact me. Every insignificant opinion began to dictate my reality. And then I began working on my ‘impact circle’. I carefully chose who would be inside my circle of impact and who would be outside. Who are these people who I trust completely and undoubtedly. Those I am sure will accept me as I am and will be non-judgemental honest critics of my shortcomings.

Over the years, this circle kept shrinking, till I got to just 2 people in my life, that I decided to allow to remain inside my circle of impact. Make no mistake...those I carefully opted to keep outside the circle, don’t stand to be insignificant in my life. They consist of my closest friends, my family members too and even some colleagues that I dearly love, care about and feel connected to. Yet, for the peace of my own soul, I chose to not allow them inside my Circle of Impact. It purely and simply means - while I will love them, care for them and stay compassionately available, anything that they do or don’t do, will not have a major impact on my being. It is, in my mind, the lowest form of detached attachment. 

Keeping my Circle of Impact small and intact, has given me the freedom nothing else could. It has brought the much needed peace and contentment to my soul. I am blessed to reach this state of calm. 
How BIG or Small is YOUR Circle Of Impact? 

The Voice

In the busy rigmarole of life, I get to hear so many different types of noises and voices.  The ting, ding, ping of the electronic devices, the woofs and bow bows that start my days. Those door bells, clanking of the utensils, the gushing sound of the tap water. The opening and closing of doors and the elevator message pleading to close its gates. I brave my way even through the honking and vrooming of the vehicles passing by, to get to yet another land of various sounds. People chatting, laughing or walking past. Keyboards typing, conference calls ringing, auto voice messages and more. I manoeuver my way through this all day long and passing again thousands of sounds, many of which are even deafening, I finally get back to decibels a notch lower. 

To the distinct noises of the idiot box, and the playful runs of the four legged angels. Slowly the noises of the world begin to dim and the tick-tock of the clock becomes more audible. 

Ironic as it may appear, only when I hear nothing else, is when I am truly listening. Listening to the most important person. To the deepest of wisdom there can be. To the answers to questions I was seeking all day. To the solutions to issues I have been dying to resolve. To the creative streak of looking beyond what’s visible, and accepting what is, as is. 

It is this when I can hear my breath, the one, that just by passing through me, bestows me with the gift of life, every single time. 

It is this when I can hear my heart beating, not just in my chest but also on my wrist and the temples. The heart that pumps the fluid of life through every inch of my body. 

It is this when I can listen to those subtle voices in my head, that have been shushed all day. The voices that bring the highest of intelligence and deepest of wisdom to my thoughts. 

It is, in these 15 minutes of silence,  when I am truly living my life. My 15 minutes with my favourite person - myself.